


Kiss Kiss, What the Fuck?

by Fangirlxtrash



Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types, Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Comedy, Fluff, Gen, Georgi as Nekozawa can you imagine, Haruhi - Freeform, Honey, I hope you love this like I do, I love my boys so much, KISS KISS FUCK SHIT UP, Kyoya - Freeform, M/M, Mori - Freeform, OHSHC crossover, Renge - Freeform, Shenanigans, Slight OOC, Tamaki - Freeform, Yuuri Is So Done, crackfic, light hearted, self aware characters, skating club, the Hitachiin Twins - Freeform, they all go to school in Russia, they break the 4th wall a lot, this is so funny
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-20
Updated: 2017-04-20
Packaged: 2018-10-21 06:05:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10679238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirlxtrash/pseuds/Fangirlxtrash
Summary: When Katsuki Yuuri walks into what he THINKS is his Ballet class at his new preparatory school in St.Petersburg, Russia, and instead falls upon an ice skating club full of the most rich and beautiful students at his school and breaks something....quite valuable to them, how will he ever possibly repay them?______AKA a gratuitous OHSHCxYOI crossover





	Kiss Kiss, What the Fuck?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kafrickinboom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kafrickinboom/gifts).



Hi! My name is Katsuki Yuuri.

At 16 I’m one of the dime-a-dozen _idiots_ who managed to fall victim to the charms of Viktor Nikiforov and his stupid host club.

_Let me explain._

It all began when I foolishly went looking for an empty room to practice some ballet stretches in…

 

_____

 

I sighed. “There’s four libraries in this damn school and not one of them is open for me to just practice some simple stretches? This is ridiculous.” 

I moped down the halls of the expansive school, piteously thinking to myself about how annoyed my sensei would be with me if I wasn’t back to the same flexibility I had before I broke my ankle last year, until I stumbled upon an empty (or so I thought) music room.

I perked up at the idea of finally being able to get some practice in, opened the door and-

_“-_ Welcome!” The warm greeting wafted out of the room and all around me.

_What the fuck?_

Sitting in front of me were six _stupidly handsome men_ , smiling and….waiting for me?

_This must be the host club._

“Oh, it’s just a dude.” two disappointed, _in sync_ voices said. 

“Mickey, JJ, isn’t this boy in the same class as you?” a tall blonde guy asked. 

“Yeah, but he’s pretty shy. We think he’s probably anxious. Or dumb.” came another in-unison answer.

“Hey! I-“

“-That’s not very nice, you two. Nevertheless,” The blonde interrupted, walking over and extending his hand for me to shake, “Welcome to the Host Club, Mr. _Prodigy_.”

“-Thank you?”

“ _Wait!_ ” an excited voice cut in. “You must be Katsuki Yuuri! _You’re_ the exceptional student that got into this school through scholarship via the Ballet club, right? We’ve heard so much about you!” 

I looked up and _holy shit this guy was hot._ Tall, silver-blonde hair, blue eyes…Wow.

“H-How did you know my name?”

_This is super overwhelming._

I turned around and tried the door handle, wriggling it and struggling to get out of the room.

_I just wanted to practice some stretches._

“Well, you’re infamous here! It’s not every day that an ugly guy makes it into a school so well known for having inherently beautiful students. You must be very good at ballet.” 

“To be fair, Viktor, we can’t actually tell if he’s ugly or not… He’s wearing such a puffy jacket! And those glasses sure don’t help.” one of the dark haired brothers said from the back of their weird couch that they were sitting on.

“True! All we _really_ know is that he’s poor as dirt. That’s why he needed the scholarship right?”

“Um-“

“-You’re a hero here, Katsuki! Truly an inspiration to the poor—the message that if they’re good enough at something, they can really succeed is so….”

The blonde man next to him rolled his eyes. “Inspirational?”  
“ _Yes!”_  
I inched away from…Viktor? Was that his name? Maybe I don’t like him so much.

“Welcome, poor-and-possibly-ugly-man, to our world of beauty!” 

“…Yeah. I’m out of here.” I mumbled, turning on my heel and walking to the door. 

“Hey! Get back here Katsudon!” Someone called out, grabbing my arm in an iron-clad grasp. “You’re interesting. I’ve never met a poor person before. Tell me more. What’s it like to be poor? I’ve only seen it in the movies and honestly…They look better than you do.”

I turned around to see that the owner of the voice was actually quite small. He had really pretty eyes and I’m sure if he smiled, he’d be quite cute. Can’t tell—he looked like an angry grandpa, the way his face was set right now.

“I’m not that interesting, just a scholarship kid. An _ugly_ one, apparently.” I looked up pointedly at Viktor.

Pause. “And who are you calling Katsudon? My name is _Katsuki.”_

Viktor blundered back over to me like some kind of giant puppy and hip-checked the small blonde away from me. “So tell me, Katsuki, what kind of men do you like?”  
“What?”

“Well, you’re gay, right? I assume that’s why you’re here. Never you mind that, though. We accept all kinds in the Host club!”  
“But I-“  
“-Now, are you into the strong silent type? We have that. His name is Otabek.” He said, gesturing over to a stockier dark haired guy who was sitting on the couch quietly. He gave me a small wave and cocked his head to the side as if apologizing for Viktor. So far, I think I like him best.

“Or how about the boy-lolita type?” he gestured to the aggressive blonde who just had my arm in a vice grip. There’s no way he was a _lolita_ type. 

“Trust me,” Viktor leaned in conspiratorially. “He’s a lot nicer with the ladies. He’s almost like a cat, you know? Scratch him just right behind the ears and he’s mush in your hands. That’s Yura.”

“Okay, but-“

“-We also have the mischievous type!” he continued, gesturing over to the two dark haired guys who were in my grade. “They’re not twins, but they may as well be! Same birthday and everything. As you know that’s Mickey and JJ.” 

I nodded in their direction. They kinda scared me but as far as I knew, they were mostly harmless.

“…Or the _sexy_ type? We also call him the ‘cool type’. That’s Chris!” He said, gesturing over to the blonde guy who seemed to know me earlier. 

“I…Uh…It’s fine, really.” I said, backing away from Viktor. 

_What was wrong with this guy?!_

“Or maybe,” he continued, stepping closer to me with every one that I took away from him and grabbing my chin softly in his hand.

“Maybe you’re into the _princely_ type. That’s yours truly.” he said, leaning in close to me. I could feel his breath on my cheeks. “Whaddaya say?”

I backed away further and further away from him, bumping full force into a chair with the back of my knee and sending it hurtling towards a glass case behind me. I spun around and tried to grab it, but no luck. It had _just_ slipped from between my fingers.

My eyes widened and I looked back at Viktor. Everything seemed to be in slow motion.

_I hope I didn’t break that._

The resounding _shatter_ following that thought indicated that I did in fact, _break it._

“Shit, Katsuki! We just got that!” JJ complained, walking over to stand next to me and assess the damage. 

“Yeah!” Mickey chimed in, standing on the other side of me. “We were gonna use that as our trophy case!”  
“Trophy case? For what? You’re a host club.”  
“And a skating club!” JJ said excitedly, pointing to a big, shiny trophy that was resting on a table not too far away from the scene of the crime. “Viktor won that one about a year ago.”  
I turned stiffly to look at the other boys who had crowded together just behind me.

“W-Was it expensive?”  
Chris shrugged nonchalantly. “Not so much the dollar value on it, Katsuki, more like the sentimental value.”

“Sentimental value?”  
“Yeah. See, that trophy case belonged to our old coach who retired last year, Mr. Feltsman, who Viktor was particularly close with. He passed away last year…”

“Oh…Oh _god._ I’m so sorry. Can I buy you guys a new trophy case? What can I do?”  
Chris turned to look back at Viktor. “What do you think, Vitya?”  
Viktor smiled like nothing happened and walked over to me, clapping me on the back.

“Looks like you’re our little piggy now, Katsuki!”  
“ _What?”_

“Well, since I’m assuming you wouldn’t be able to buy a trophy case of the size and quality that we’ll be needing, you can pay us back with your _body._ ” Viktor wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

I turned to Chris. “…What does he mean, senpai?”  
“ _Senpai!?_ That’s so cute.”  
“ _What it means,_ Viktor said, commanding attention back to himself, “is that starting today, you’ll be our errand boy! You’ll get us coffee when we ask, shine our skates, etc!”

…. _fuck_

 

_____________________________

 

It was within the next hour that they had me working for them. They really weren’t kidding when they said I’d be their errand boy—So far, I had already shone all of their skates, ironed their team jackets, and gone out for a coffee run.

“…Speak of the devil, here he comes!” Viktor said excitedly, gesturing grandly to me as I walked into the room, tray of coffee cups in hand. 

“Thanks for doing the coffee run, little piggy! Did you get our orders right?”  
“Guess so. I didn’t go to Starbucks though so I had to kind of improvise at Good Earth. Pretty much identical orders though.”  
“…Good Earth?”  
“Yeah. Cheaper stuff.”  
Viktor gaped at me and before he could make any more comments, Yura stepped out into the room, cradling a stuffed cat toy close to his chest.

“I’m sorry for keeping you waiting, angels.” he said, cuddling the toy closer to his chest and sitting on the couch. “I was waiting for Beka to finish his music class and I fell asleep. I guess no one woke me. Forgive me? Please?” 

I stood there and stared at him in shock. _There’s no way this is the same grumpy blonde from before. Just no way._

Though I didn’t buy his cuddly facade for one second, the girls seemed to eat it up.

“That’s okay, Yura!”  
“Yeah, no problem Yura! You sure look cute today!”  
“Yura! Have this lollipop.”  
I glanced over at Otabek. He just stared cooly back at me and shrugged as if to say, “what can you do?” And turned to look back at Yura crossing his arms over his chest.

“Katsudon!” Yura called over to me excitedly. “Do you want a lollipop?”  
“N-no, thanks. I’m not much for candies.”  
The blonde stood up and bounded over to me, spinning me and then pulling me close.

“If you say anything about this, I’ll fucking kill you.” he whispered in my ear before pushing away and beaming happily at me.

(Confirmed: He has a great smile.)

“Well then, will you look after my Котенок while I go be with my angels?” he asked, playfully plucking my glasses off of my face and putting them on his stuffed cat. 

“I-I…Yeah, sure. He’s pretty cute, I guess.” I said, taking the cat from his arms and giving it a little squeeze.

Yura looked up at me curiously, eyes widening. “Woah, Katsudon. You know, you’re actually not that ugly…”  
“Huh?”  
“Beka! Come over here.”

Otabek walked over to me and stood beside Yura. “Couldn’t he be a host, Beka? Without these dumbass things he actually has quite a good face.”  
“I agree, Yura.”

The pair stood there in contemplative silence for a moment before Yura bounded over back to the girls and sat on the couch, resting his head in one of their laps.

_What was that about?_

_____________

 

I had barely sat down for even ten minutes before Viktor crept up behind me and blew on my neck.

“Ah! Senpai, could you not please?”  
“Neck issues?”  
“ _Personal space issues._ ”

“Right. Well, I was thinking!”  
“Oh no.”  
“….Right. I was thinking! We need to give you a makeover. We don’t _really_ know what you look like under that puffy jacket and those god awful glasses, and you should be a host.”  
“But. I’m ugly.”  
“We can make you pretty.”  
“What if I don’t want to be pretty for the ladies?”  
Viktor leaned in. “If it’s about being gay, I wouldn’t worry too hard about it. Over 50% of the Host Club is gay! We just turn up the charm for the ladies.” he winked.

“Besides,” he continued, “I want to see you on the ice, too. I have a feeling you’d be good at it.”  
“What makes you say that?”  
“Yuuri, you’re here in _Russia_ for a ballet program. You _have_ to be good at it. Ice skating is basically just ballet on ice.”  
“But-“  
“-JJ! Mickey!”  
“What’s up, boss?” they asked in unison, zooming over to us.

“We’re gonna make Yuuri over. Get him a uniform!”  
The two nodded and grabbed me by the arms. “C’mon, piggy! Time to see what you _really_ look like!”  
Viktor continued to shout directions at Chris and Otabek, but I was far gone into a changing room area with the boys to hear anything he said.

“Alrighty!” JJ announced, cracking his knuckles. “Let’s get to work!”  
And he and Mickey did just that, taking my glasses back off my face and undressing me down to just my boxers.

They exchanged a look and turned to me at the same time, wide eyed.

“Holy shit, Katsuki. You’re really hot.”  
“Thank you?”  
“Like…really hot. You weren’t kidding when you said you were a ballet student.”

I blushed under the scrutiny. “Yeah. Thanks. Can I have my uniform now?”  
  
___________________

 

“Hey boss! He’s ready!”  
Viktor ran over to me, newly clad in a clean and pressed uniform, glasses-less, and my hair slicked back.

He promptly turned bright pink.

“Yuuri, you’re so…. _Handsome._ ”


End file.
